C8 H15 Na O2

sometimes i'm just asking for a distraction
but it never comes
i hade the pain anyways
depression buried deep beneath skin
and lying expressions
only clues i leave is the ink that marks both skin and paper
an external outlit to my collasped soul
when i'm not allowed the cure
when all i wish is to reach those few inches and grab the one thing that's guarenteed to make me feel
to not draw hatch marks onto skin in green pen but cut them in flesh and blood
to remind myself of life and to prove that i'm still here
let me run away
i want to run away

and i just can't break this feel of drifting
unmoored in an open sea
lost amongst the vastness
with nothing insight except blue for miles
above and below me
never escaping the fucking rocking of the boat
and same sights
water water everywhere
and sky all around
and i'd give anything
to stand on solid ground

broken and unbound
i know not what to say
lies written in my own blood
across bare skin
and burning into my soul

a never healing wound
that bleeds from my back
cuts and scrapes and gouges
marking each hit
red and open and unforgiving

why does each time
it happen once again
scabs ripped off to bleed again

and i can't help but to feel wrong
a blip on this timeline of never-afters
and i can lose myself and smile a story
but it all come crashing down when it's over
and i lie awake at night
unable to stop things that flash through my heart and soul
unless i distract myself with worlds of sylphs and nymphs
and curses where happiness come because i control the switches
and it's not anyones fault but my own
for lying to myself again
i can't sleep and my leg itches with the nedd to be marked again
a mental lapse this is not

i think perhaps i was born without a soul
or it has long since died
because where they say it existed
i just feel empty inside

they run haphazardly
bringing life and inevitably death
the largest carribean teal green
to the tiny violet reds
giving pulses and oxygen
stretching over muscle
and spiderwebing under translucentness
bulging thick over fingerbones, backs of hands and feet
a reminder of how below seven layers
lies an unexplored world
where life lives and dies when exposed

where blood pounds through veins
begging for

freedom

i believe the lies i tell myself
the small lies
i look good
the big lies
who cares what they think
and lies so monumental i must be blind
it doesnt matter it never mattered
its easier to pretend
than face the reality
that kills me inside
so this smile is composed of falshoods
white, gray and deep dark black lies
so my world doesnt turn into a negative photograph
surrounded by black with so little light
though the lies cant fix that
and the negative colors seep through
so i close my eyes against it all
and see
black

i feel these chemicals running through my veins
labeled as medicine
told this makes things better
itll cut out the highs and lows
make my life one neutral feeling
gray and beige
colors so muddied
drastically altering my life through one small dose
depriving me
changing me
killing my emotions
what is left of my soul
because bipolar means i am a danger to myself
they say it makes me unhappy
doctors with their sympathetic looks
and harsh words
telling me that this is the only way
Dr sir i have no need to be normal like everyone else
i do not want to be a clone
no matter what you think is best
let me have my blacks and blues
my reds and oranges
my yellows and greens and pinks
let colors spark and fall and fade out like fireworks against the night sky
i will take the chance that
lows will be too low
and highs too fleeting
for being able to feel something other than chemicals in this body
to taste and touch
and hear and smell
and experience life
without the allconsuming taint
of this drug you feed me

so i cant do anything to fix this
a whole and unbroken body but
ever so torn inside
cut me open and ill spill out
like bits of cotton from
a raggedy anne doll
smiling depsite the fact
youve forgotten me and left me
under your bed with dust bunnys
and a lost sock
its not hard to paint on a smile
when theres nothing inside
because you cant break me
no matter how often im dropped
bouncing against the hardwood floor
but i would give anything to shatter
to show outer pain
to cry mama from these dyed lips
in a plantative sob for attention
it doesnt matter anyway
no one wants a doll with yarn for hair
dressed in a style long forgotten
or made up
no one wants a doll like me
old and whole and unbroken

except for the part you broke me

poison drips from these lips
painted a whoreish red
smeared with the lies i speak
luring you in with pretty words
and soon-to-be-broken promises
letting you drink your fill
from these deadly lips
until your heart belongs to me
and stops beating for you

and it takes all i have to not press deeper into this dream
hidden warm under blankets of lies i choose to tell myself
and its one of those moments i wish i could sleep forever
to keep pretending i have control over my fate
its warm but i'm not suffocating
and so i mark x's onto days
my calender shows how quickly the end comes
because im hugging myself
blinded by the world around me and i cant get out
my head is empty and static quiet
i only voice my thoughts at night
turning phrases into technicolor before my eyes
wiht my lips pursed and my hand between my legs